VendM 036: The Fighting Vending Machine

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Jidou Hanbaiki ni Umarekawatta ore wa Meikyuu o Samayou
Author: Hiru Kuma

The Fighting Vending Machine

For buying time, with <Barrier> repelling its attacks like this, if it’s just enduring, I might be able to hold out some how, but if this goes on and it heads towards the community, I don’t know whether the Hunter Association’s fortress walls can hold up to this.
At the very least, whether each and every person would be saved like the previous time is doubtful.

The always helpful inn’s Okami-san and Munami. My most regular customers, the gatekeepers Karios and Gols. The three morning regulars, no, with the granddaughter who’s joined them recently, it’s four. The contraceptive buying Shirley. The blonde ojou-sama and her black-clothed shadow, the two money-changers, and so many other customers are all in that community.

If there’s a vending machine there, it’s said that it’s a sign that the public order is peaceful.
Then, for a vending machine me that’s here to protect each and every one of them, there should be no complaints!

I wonder if he’s getting irritated that, no matter how many times he sends me flying I’m unbroken; the eight-legged alligator strikes out at me with a speed that he hadn’t shown until now.

Even if I protect against this, if I’m sent flying a ridiculous distance away out of sight, there’s also the possibility of this opponent losing its interest in me. If that happens, Ramis and the others that ran away will be exposed to danger. If that’s the case, how about this!

It’s something I found in the countryside; I change into a hand-made lunchbox vending machine. And then, I drop down a large amount of kara’age lunchboxes. Because of the rough handling, the contents had spilled out of the lunchboxes, and since they were warm from being heated up, the smell of kara’age wafted out.

I don’t know whether an alligator’s sense of smell is sharp or not, but if it’s that big, it’s probably always hungry. And as a bonus, it should be getting irritated that no matter how many times it attacked, I wouldn’t break.
In this situation, right in front of its eyes, this thing starts to give off a delicious smell; what do you think it will do?
The answer to that is given by the alligator’s mouth lined with sharp teeth.

I was shaken from left to right I don’t know how many times, and now I’m falling head over heels. My surroundings are a reddish-brown, long tube thing. So this is the esophagus.

Even in this situation, I have <Barrier> protecting me. Like this, as I continued to tumble, there was a sound like falling into some liquid. *Bubble bubble* floating in the sticky liquid, I surveyed my surroundings; rocks and foliage and melted trees were submerged for who knows how long.
Aa, this is the stomach.

《Points were reduced by 10. Points were reduced by 10.》

The gastric juices are reducing my Points terribly. Looks like this situation doesn’t give me much room for error. If this is the enemy’s stomach, then – – let the harassment begin!

I made use of the boxed-goods function and switched the products. It was changed to the detergent vender found in coin-laundromats; I dropped it one after another, and using the abilities of <Barrier>, I marked the detergent as something that should not be inside.

The detergent that I put out was ejected outside of the Barrier, and *glub glub* sank in the gastric juices.
Saa, squirm in the palms of my hand. I’ll treat you to as much as you want and wash your stomach clean!

As I dropped the detergent into its stomach one after another, the gastric juices began to heave. I can tell it’s working and the eight-legged alligator is writhing in pain. Looks to be pretty effective.

But you know, just this is probably not enough to kill it off. No matter how I think about it, this will only give it diarrhea and abdominal pains at best. If that’s the case, this time I’ll take something new, and change into an old-styled form.

Looking at it, I’m a rectangular box with a retro silver color; there is a lever attached, and it’s possible to manually activate it. From the bottom part, orange tube stretched and connected to an old-styled gas burner.

This is rarely seen anywhere but old traditional inns, hospitals, and dormitories; a gas vending machine. Putting in 100 yen, you can use it for several minutes. I thought that this would be a convenient ability for cooking outside, but if it seems like the vending machine’s products won’t sell well, I can still pull my weight with this function.
There is only one reason I turned into the gas vending machine. I eject the gas outside the Barrier. The gas keeps *pan pan* going into the stomach.

Though there’s “gas” accumulating in its stomach like it would if it ate too much, this here is ACTUAL gas that’s accumulating. As gas continues to be emitted, the gastric juices begin to roil into whirlpools. My body is caught up in the flow, and is being gradually drawn into the center.

Does it intend to evacuate me outside its body? If I stay like this, I won’t be able to do anything before being transported into its bowels. Is this enough gas, will <Barrier> be able to withstand it; unless I try it I won’t know, but I can only trust that there’s merit in just trying.

… The problem is fire. Using the burner’s ignition is a good idea, but I don’t have a method to turn the knob. I can operate the vending machine’s body to some extent, but the burner seems to be treated as an external options, so no matter where I try to put in my power, it doesn’t work.
This isn’t what I expected. Not good; it won’t be long before I get sucked in. Fire, sparks, whatever I can get is fine! –tte, is THAT possible?

I change into the vending machine mode to heat up frozen products, and inside the electric microwave contained within me, I tried placing a canned product. Usually when I want to put something there I imagine it, and just one of what I wanted will appear there.
The vending machine is my body. It’s something I’ve become acquainted with over many months. For this much, I’m begging you!

Inside my body, along with a clang sound, I felt the sensation of a small can appearing.
Alri-ght, and now let’s drop a towel and newspaper there.
This is something that’s prohibited – – warming up a can in a microwave! Good kids better not try this at home!

While being afraid of the amazing sound I hear coming from inside me, I can feel the can giving off sparks. I shouldn’t have the ability to feel anything, but I can definitely understand that something has occurred inside me.
A, here comes the fire.

《10 Damage; Endurance has been reduced by 10.》

I drop the canned beverage and the caught-on-fire towel and newspaper. And then, I prohibit these three things to be inside of the <Barrier>!

What was ejected from my retrieval opening is the firey towel and newspaper wrapped canned beverage. It’s almost like watching a fireball being shot out.

The fireball ejected from the <Barrier>, the instant it went out and touched the stomach contents that were teeming with gas – – a huge explosion was induced.

“We look forward to seeing you again.”

《Points were reduced by 1000.》

I can tell that there’s reddish-brown something or other splattering past my eyes, but my field of vision was turning around and around, so I have absolutely no idea what happened.
Ooo-, it’s like I’m drunk-!
With its stomach exploding, the pain must be unimaginable, I bet. Even if it’s the level’s eight-legged alligator ruler, it should eventually die … is how it should be!?

My surroundings is a meat wall, a reddish-brown, sticky, glistening, fleshiness that’s completely a meat wall surrounds me. It’s acting violently as usual, and my body is being violently jolted; if I had a flesh and blood body, I bet I’d be vomiting.
I don’t know how much time had passed, but finally the body’s swaying has calmed. Did the eight-legged alligator die? If that’s what happened, then the problem becomes, exactly what should I do to get myself out of its body?

《Points are reduced by 1. Points are reduced by 1.》

A, yeah, yeah, I know. I’m still maintaining <Barrier>, so my Points continue to be reduced. I feel that if I raise my Defense I might be able to withstand the pressure of this flesh, but I’ll need courage to test that. With my points reduced so much, I don’t really have the liberty to try and release this though.

If I defeated this, then I’m really satisfied. I may have used up quite a bit of my saved up Points, but it was in order to live. No, I’m a vending machine, so it was in order to continue operating.

I think I did pretty good this time. Although I’m praising myself, I think this act is pardonable. Even as a vending machine, I managed, didn’t I?

Now I just have to wait until Ramis and the others who escaped come back; I’ll have to endure for them to reach the community and gather a group to come subjugate this, I guess. Y’know, I’m really glad I don’t have a sense of smell.

If they’re fast it will be half a day; on the long side I’ll have to endure for several weeks. I’m a vending machine, so waiting in the same spot is just another part of my job. Let’s think about what kind of new products I should – – Fua-?

Are, the meat clumps that filled my vision have disappeared, and I can see the sky and ground.

E, this here is outside. The meat has all neatly disappeared. E, what the, I don’t really know what’s going on, so I’m going to keep <Barrier> up.

This is around the bog we were just in, I think. The crack in the ground is there, and there’s golden light flowing out of it; Hyurumi called this phenomenon breaking the level.

Are, then I really got out? Looking around at my surroundings, there’s long, white objects clustered together, positioned like they were covering me. These are the eight-legged alligator’s bones … I think.

So the flesh disappeared and only the bones remained. This is just what happens when you defeat the level’s Ruler, I guess. With the light flooding from the crack shining on it, this specimen of an alligator skeletons looks a little mysterious.

Somehow I’m feeling relieved, but I wonder if someone won’t come and set me upright. Right now, because I’m lying on my side, I’m a little uncomfortable. I can’t set myself back right-side up; at times like this I can really feel the inconveniences of this body. Standing as a vending machine.1

-tte are, the light from the crack was too dazzling so I didn’t realize, but in front of my eyes, a gold coin is falling down. It isn’t the usual gold coin, na. From what I can see, the designs are completely different. On the surface is a finely detailed carving of the eight-legged alligator.

If this was a game, then this would be the so-called Boss Drop, I guess. It’s an item that only drops from the boss so it looks like it has some value, but I don’t have any arms or legs so I can’t take it!

Since it’s inside the Barrier, no one will be able to steal it. Hyurumi will probably know the details about this. Until then, I won’t let anyone take it.

Now then, looks like I’ve been released from that lump of meat, so now, I can’t really do anything but laze around and wait for someone to come by.

U-n, somehow the ground is still continuing to vibrate even now; this crumbling sound that I can hear through the ground is kind of bothering me, but I’m sure I’m imagining things.

U—n, the crack in the ground seems to be spreading out from there, almost like a mesh net even, and the light intensity is filling my entire vision with golden, but that’s probably just me seeing things.

U—–n, this feeling like the ground I’m lying on is gradually sinking is — This is, it’s caving in!

E-, did this turmoil break down the ground? Or is it just like the thing called breaking the level, it’s actually going to break through the level!? Ha,hang on a minute. If that happens, after the ground breaks, then what happens? E-, falling?
This is no joke, it’s seriously bad. –tte, I remember having the same thoughts before.
Hang on, someone, is there some person around with super-human strength-!?
Is there some customer with super-human strength that can easily carry a vending machine-!?

“Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.”

I try calling out repetitively, but it only echoes through the uninhabited wetlands.

It’s times like these that I understand the blessing called Ramis. I was riding on the thrill of defeating a tough opponent, but in the end a vending machine is a vending machine. It can’t do anything on its own.
The ground that was support my body is gone; the vending machine falls, tumbling head over heels.
In this desperate situation, what floated up in my mind was Ramis’ tear-stained face.

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  1. not sure if the pun is intended, but ‘from the viewpoint of a vending machine,’ versus ‘to stand as a vending machine’. Anyway, I played it safe and translated kind of ambiguously.

<T/n: Thanks Egg and RS for your donations!
Are? From one cliff hanger to the next …
Sorry for the delays. Some intense bouts of vertigo … have you figured out I have a slightly not-so-good constitution yet? Lol. It’s mostly bad around the seasonal climate changes. There’s a reason people call me a human barometer…>



    1. instead of headaches, more like … hey, why are you walking sideways? Wait, you’re veering right! You’re veering right!
      … maybe I’ll just sit down


      1. hard to connect ‘helplessness’ to someone that just soloed what is basically a raid boss singl…. without hands even. and yet, somehow, he pulls it off.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Meatbun delivery~
    Thank you for the chapter ( ●w●)

    *imagine a dragon sleeping near a pile of gold. Then replace sleeping dragon with a Vending machine turned sideways.. then imagines a sign post “Draw me like one of your french girls”*
    😂 hahaha.. meatbun think meatbun have an over-active imagination..

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This isn’t what I expected. Not good; it won’t be long before I get sucked it.
    This isn’t what I expected. Not good; it won’t be long before I get sucked “in”.

    good job and thank you


  3. My sister asked if you (the translator) where a guy or a girl my response “they are a translator they transcend human understanding” but my sister had already stopped listening.


  4. Kills a Floor Boss.

    Complains about being unable to do anything on its own.

    Yep, falling through to the next level might be divine punishment…


  5. Thanks for the chapter.

    Amusing that my post about him being swallowed and killing it from inside actually came true. Idea of using natual gas and a microwave bomb to explode its stomach is a might cleverer then my idea to just freeze its insides solid.

    It was nice to see the profit that he made though.


    1. I wonder if the author is a sufferer of Star Trek syndrome.

      An inability to use a previously used method to solve a similar problem, instead requiring the creation of a new method for the same problem every time it turns up.


      1. hm … personally, I think filling the stomach with gas would be easier than killing it with dry ice. This is an alligator whose leg is bigger than a wagon and can swallow and xtra-large vending machine easily


      2. Gas was probably faster at least. It’s just that he seems to always have a new trick to use for every problem they get into, even if an earlier solution might have worked just as well.

        When he was swallowed he had changed to the bento dispenser which is not oversized. It’s stomach was large enough to have trees and parts of buildings in it though.


      3. I am surprised they didn’t go for a laundromat vending machine and drop some caustic toxic all over the place. I am sort of doubtful that there would be enough oxygen for a decent gas explosion…


  6. Lolol! The author is on some serious crack. 😂 Then again, I thought our hero was going through the, uh, ‘digestive tract’, and was going to give alligator-San hemorrhoids.
    Thanks and take care.


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