Update: July 27 2021

Just dropping in a line to let you all know what’s going on.

First of all, quick update: I’m still hurting, but it’s getting a lot better. I’m able to sit for over 15 minutes without feeling like my spine’s about to collapse, so surprise surprise, it gets easier to write.

Second, I’ve been kind of wondering why my writing has dropped off so much over the last year+, and honestly, it’s been scaring me a little. BTS’ Black Swan is honestly representative of my mood for the entire period, fearing the loss of passion for what you do and feeling like it really will be your ‘first death’, being scared that you’re just losing an entire part of your self, and you don’t want that, but you’re feeling mired deep in the ocean not knowing what way is up so you can’t get out of it, it’s pretty spot on for this sort of artistic crisis (which makes sense because it is literally about that).

I think … well, my depression is a factor, but recently I’ve been taking 30minute walks outside for my back and discovered it’s also helped get my depression much more under control, not gone necessarily, but more manageable… but more than that, I think I’m just hitting a phase that comes naturally for creatives but is very frustrating to get through.

Japanese martial arts has a phrase for the stages of mastery, Shu Ha Ri.

Shu refers to learning by imitation and study, following form, and there is NO way of getting around it, most of the early stuff on this site is 100% copying JLN (and some CLN) trends and forms. And my love for writing was definitely revitalized by writing it, and I enjoyed it a lot. But you can’t just stick to form forever, and unfortunately, I think I’ve moved on to the next stage.

Ha is falling away from form and trying your own methods and innovations, and I think this is where I’m stuck right now.

I’m getting dissatisfied with just continuing on with what I have, and discovering that there are other ways and/topics I like to write. Ha can be kind of a painful process, dismantling some/everything you just accepted, and I am FLOUNDERING. I’ve been almost a little scared to sit in front of the computer (even without the health problems) and just … not have anything come out as I sit blankly and type, then delete everything I type.

So, ah… I’ve been doing writing therapy with fanfics, Fanfic therapy. It’s helped a lot, not having to do much world building, just keeping it within the confines of someone else’s world and just focusing on how I write and how I want to use words.

Just recently, I was writing a fanfic with a lot more original worldbuilding than canon/fanon, and … I think I’ve finally come all the way back around. It’s got me going back and picking over my originals anyway, so…

… Now if only I hadn’t left almost all my originals in kind of limbo/grey areas that I hadn’t defined super well in the plot.
(－‸ლ)